The trouble with wedding table plans is that they are almost never actually finished. Well, perhaps that’s not entirely accurate. You always think you’ve finished, but just when you start to feel a spark of hope that your Sisyphean task is finally over, that’s when you realise it isn’t.

The plight of one particular Bride is probably best recounted at this point for further edification. Take heart, if you’re considering embarking on the monumental journey that is wedding table plans, then it’s a long and winding path, and there’s always someone still adding paving slabs to the end of it, and they’re trying hard to keep just ahead of you.

Julie and Mike were in love. They were to be married, which is a good thing if you happen to be in love. The task of wedding table plans fell to Julie for the simple reason that Mike suggested that as a woman, capable of multi tasking and performing monumental feats of skill such as being able to remember something he said three and a half years ago when he had had a little too much to drink, that she would be perfect for the challenge. She accepted.

The task went smoothly, and three weeks before the wedding, her table plan was a veritable work of art. That’s when her Uncle Stewart and Aunt Mary apologised, but explained that they would be unable to make it due to a long awaited hospital appointment suddenly coming through.

Then three people she’d invited, but hadn’t heard from and had assumed weren’t coming, returned their RSVP (four months late).

Two weeks before the wedding Uncle Charlie offered his apologies, but he and Aunt Susan were divorcing – and could they sit on separate tables?

One week before the wedding Uncle Stewart got back in touch to say that he would be able to make it after all, although without Aunt Mary.

Four days before the wedding the Cousin Dave announced that he would not be bringing his girlfriend after all, but would like to invite his new boyfriend.

Two days before the wedding Grandpa Bill admitted anxiously that due to a bladder problem he hadn’t liked to mention he would absolutely have to sit next to the toilets.

One day before the wedding Uncle Stewart called back to say that he wouldn’t be there after all as he needed to look after Aunt Mary, and Todd, a family friend, asked if he could bring his new girlfriend, Arabelle.

On the morning of the wedding itself Aunt Susan called to ask if she could bring a very good friend of hers who was helping her through the divorce.

At the end of the wedding day itself Julie was half convinced someone would still be calling up to ask for yet another change. Wedding table plans are never finished – they just fade away.